


Incredible

by chenziee



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, Fluff, Implied Eren/Levi, Introspection, M/M, Manga Spoilers, Post Timeskip, angst in the last chapter, during Timeskip, i guess, jeankasa canon weekend, kids are growing up and I love them, mentioned Connie/Sasha, squad leader Jean is my reason for living, these 3 chapters are supposed to mirror each other, up to chapter 105
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-15
Updated: 2018-05-18
Packaged: 2019-05-07 11:25:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14670090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chenziee/pseuds/chenziee
Summary: After getting new soldiers, the Survey Corps need new squad leaders. Jean is the obvious choice according to everyone. Everyone but Jean, that is.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [JeanKasa Canon Weekend 2018](https://jeankasa-events.tumblr.com/). ~~Although 2 out of 3 chapters are late.~~

The battle back in Shiganshina was devastating for the Survey Corps. Only nine people had survived with Commander Hanji and Captain Levi as the only veteran soldiers to make it. The rest of them, Eren, Mikasa, Armin, Connie, Sasha, and Jean were just barely graduated trainees and Floch was... well, _Floch_ , but now they were the backbone of the military branch.

A broken, barely held together backbone.

It was surprisingly easy to recruit people after they got back, however. Apparently making public, decorated heroes out of them and claiming victory was the way to go with impressionate, naive people who have never seen a titan in their life.

Sure, they now knew a lot more, had the funds, and the means to access and develop new technology, as well as two titan-shifters on their side, but hell, Jean still thought it was pure idiocy to try and enter the Corps. There were _nine of them_ , for fucks sake.

Still, he was not about to complain. The more people they got for their expeditions, the sooner Wall Maria was safe, the sooner all the titans would be gone, and the sooner they could breathe easy.

Actually, no. Who was he kidding, they would never breathe easy. Not as long as people like Reiner, Annie, and Berthold didn’t stop coming for them.

“...arting next month, Jean will be the new Squad Leader.”

Jean jumped at the sound of his name, suddenly remembering he was in a meeting and somehow managed to tune the Commander out as soon as he sat down.

“I’m sorry, what?” he asked, hoping nobody would chew him out for zoning out.

A snicker came from his side just before Connie clapped him over the shoulder hard. “I don’t know who else you’d suggest it to be, Jean,” the smaller boy said, grinning wide at Jean who only frowned in confusion.

He heard Captain Levi click his tongue and mutter something about noisy brats making a fuss over nothing just as Commander Hanji let out a laugh, “You heard me, Jean. You’re going to be a Squad Leader; no need to be so shocked about it.”

Okay, _what?_

Jean blinked at her a few times, trying to comprehend the words. Squad Leader? Him?

It sounded _wrong_ to Jean. Obviously they needed to start making squads again now that there were more people, but there were a lot of experienced garrison soldiers now and even some from the Military Police. Surely they were more capable of leadership than Jean was.

But it looked like he was the only one who thought so. Everyone else was nodding along with the announcement like it was the most natural thing, even Eren just shrugged and gave him a half-assed smile.

“But sir-” Jean tried but his protests died in his throat as soon as they came up. He didn’t know what to say and not make himself seem ungrateful.

Hanji cocked her head to the side, eyeing him with a kind smile but somehow, Jean felt like she was just daring him to try and protest, and a shiver ran down his spine. “Do you have anything to say to that, Jean?” she asked, sounding genuinely curious.

“No, sir,” the newly promoted Squad Leader said quietly in defeat. “Thank you.”

And that was it.

* * *

That evening found Jean on the roof of the castle tower. The young man sat on the ground with his back against the wall, staring up at the star-filled sky, thinking about what happened that afternoon. After the decision to make him a Squad Leader had been announced, the meeting continued as if nothing happened. As if a huge responsibility hadn’t just been dropped on his shoulders. If the Commander didn’t keep him back after they finished to talk about the details, Jean would think it didn’t even happen. Of course, that would be only until his friends decided to make an even bigger fuss about it.

At the sound of the door to the roof creaking open, Jean’s whole body jerked, his head whipping around to look who was coming up to disrupt his lonely melancholy. A second later a head tentatively poked out and Jean felt his heart stop before it jumped to life again at double the speed.

One would think he’d be used to seeing Mikasa by now, after all these years – and he mostly was – but when she appeared out of the blue like this... It was bad for his health.

A moment later, her eyes fell on him and Jean thought she would leave then but instead, it looked like she heaved a small sigh, closing the door behind herself before slowly walking over towards him. Jean watched as she sat down next to him, folding her legs under her and tugging her ever-present scarf up a bit. He only continued to stare at her blankly until her questioning gaze slid to him.

Jean blushed slightly then, clearing his throat awkwardly, “Ahem. What are you doing up here?”

“I was just wondering where you disappeared to,” Mikasa answered quietly, her dark, dark eyes shining gently in the soft, warm light coming from both their lamps.

Jean cringed, looking away then. “Oh, uhm, sorry,” he let out, rubbing at his neck. “I know you guys wanted to celebrate for me...”

It was true, after dinner, Connie and Sasha decided to throw an impromptu party to congratulate Jean on his promotion. Even the Captain and the Commander stayed behind with them, Hanji even bringing some stashed away alcohol. It just seemed everyone was more excited about this than Jean and the young man felt bad about that.

“No, it’s okay,” Mikasa said, shaking her head slightly. “I told them it wasn’t a good idea but I think they just wanted an excuse to party for a bit.” A tiny smile appeared on her lips as she explained, remembering the others laughing and having fun together. “I was just worried,” she added, as if it was an afterthought.

Jean blinked, looking back at her. “Worried?” he repeated after her, frowning slightly.

“You didn’t look very happy when Commander Hanji announced it,” she noted then, shrugging. She continued watching him carefully as she asked, “Are you okay?”

Jean laughed, a sound that felt wrong even to his own ears. “Yeah, I’m okay. Sorry to worry you.” He tried for a light tone but the words were as strained as his chuckle.

He saw Mikasa narrow her eyes at him as she turned slightly, facing him better. “Jean,” she started sternly, before her voice turned soft. “If you need to talk about it, I’m listening.”

They looked into each other’s eyes for a long moment until Jean sighed in defeat, throwing his head back to stare at the night sky. In his peripheral vision he could see Mikasa was still waiting for him patiently and he finally took a deep breath. “I just don’t get it,” he exhaled, his whisper clearly audible in the quiet of the moment.

“Don’t get why you were made a squad leader?” Mikasa asked for clarification and Jean nodded.

“Yeah,” he admitted before elaborating. “I mean, I’m not strong like you or smart like Armin. I have nothing to offer.”

Mikasa was silent for a moment, before she sighed. “Jean, being a leader isn’t about being strong or smart. It’s about quick thinking, ability to understand people, and leadership skills. That’s why you are being promoted and not me or Armin.”

Jean frowned at her words, still staring up intently. “But I’m not a leader, Mikasa.”

“You are,” she replied easily, certainly. “You know what happened in Shiganshina.”

“You mean when I almost got Commander Hanji killed and let Reiner escape?” he asked, sarcasm dripping from his words.

Mikasa shook her head. “You couldn’t have known what would happen. It was a good decision to keep him alive for questioning. But that’s only a part of it. Before that, when Berthold transformed. Armin panicked immediately and wanted to go back to the gate. You read the situation and stopped him, saving us all.”

Finally, Jean looked down to meet her unwavering gaze and she smiled slightly at him. “You’re the only one of us who was able to think of anything in that situation and direct us. I might be strong but I can’t give out orders or think of strategies. Armin might be smart and come up with amazing plans but he panics easily and doesn’t like being in charge.”

The boy gulped, unable to look away as Mikasa talked. He couldn’t believe she was saying something like this. It was almost as unbelievable as when Hanji said the words “Squad Leader” earlier in that day. “I...” he paused, lost for words. “Thank you,” he mumbled finally, blushing slightly as Mikasa let out a quiet huff of laughter.

The very next moment Jean froze in place, his eyes going impossibly wide as Mikasa leaned over and gave him a small peck on the cheek.

“You’re going to be an amazing squad leader, Jean,” she said, avoiding his eyes, and from the small distance between them, Jean thought that was a small blush on he cheeks. In the minimal light, however, he might have just been imagining it, but he didn’t have enough time to contemplate this or to even react as the girl got up then, picking up her lamp, and heading for the door.

She paused with her hand on the handle, looking back with a playful smile on her face. “If you don’t hurry back, Sasha, Connie, and Hanji are going to drink all the alcohol.” With those words, she disappeared, leaving Jean stunned and alone in the chilly night.

It took him a few moments to gather himself but then he let out a shocked, disbelieving laugh, covering his eyes with his hand. Incredible.

She was incredible.

The thought still echoed in his head when he came back down to the mess hall. It echoed in his head when Sasha and Connie drunkenly jumped on him as soon as they noticed him, when he shook his head and laughed upon noticing Armin was already passed out, or when he raised his eyebrows after noticing Eren sitting a bit away with his head on Captain Levi’s shoulder.

And it definitely echoed in his head when his eyes met Mikasa’s from across the room after she effortlessly picked up Armin to carry him to bed.

She was incredible and Jean was completely fucked.

Well, at least he was not worried about his new responsibilities anymore.


	2. Chapter 2

Eren had run off.

The stupid, suicidal _idiot_ just up an disappeared on them, just as they were finalizing their plans in Marley, making all the work they did up to that point go to waste. All the plans, all the preparation. For nothing.

And then he sends them a damn _letter_ to tell them of his own grand plan, basically leaving them no choice but to go along with it. Fucking great. Jean knew there was a reason he hated the fucker since day one.

Looking around the small room in the run down, abandoned house a bit away from the Marley docks that they were using as a make-shift headquarters, Jean took in all of their faces. Commander Hanji was explaining the last details of their mission, pointing out places here and there on the map of Liberio Zeke Jaeger’s subordinates provided them with. Studying her body language, she looked very focused but Jean couldn’t help but notice the tension in her body and the deep frown now a semi-permanent part of her face.

A moment later, Armin took over from Hanji to talk about his airship escape plan with as little emotion to his voice as was possible, his explanations sharp and sure, leaving no place for argument, even though Jean felt there were many points to his risky plan to possibly argue against. Still, nobody dared to say anything, trusting their head strategist completely after all these years, and Jean couldn’t help but think back to the time when they were just 15 years old, young and naive, and Armin was just a weak, innocent, uncertain baby of a genius. Saying “please” and “thank you” and “I’m sorry but” every time he said something. Even in Shiganshina, when it was positively a life-or-death situation and a question of time, he was all polite and uncertain.

Now... now Armin was very much like Commander Erwin in some aspects. Still lacked the charisma and was prone to panic when things didn’t go as planned, but he believed in himself and his intelligence. Jean was actually very proud of him but... the blond still looked incredibly sad over what their fight had come to. He had changed a whole deal but Jean supposed he was still Armin down there, under the self-confidence and efficient, if slightly reckless strategies.

Sasha caught his eyes next. She looked like she was falling asleep. Jean couldn’t blame her, she was the one who had to get up the earliest of them all, having the last watch duty of the night. Still, she was obviously fighting very hard to keep her eyes open and stay focused.

Connie was trying to help her stay awake, nudging her every now and then, or squeezing her hand under the table. They thought they were sneaky but literally everyone in the Corps knew they’ve been dating for _years_. Jean was happy for them. They were happy together and really, everyone in the Corps deserved their own little piece of happiness.

Which brought him to look at Captain Levi. The man looked as stoic as ever but knowing him for so long, working with him closely both as a member of his squad _and_ as a fellow squad leader... Jean could see he looked stressed. More so than usual.

Jean supposed it was to be expected. Not many people knew but he and Eren... there was definitely something there. Jean didn’t know what exactly but it was something more than a simple superior and subordinate relationship. Probably even something deeper than friendship. And Jean could see Eren’s disappearance – disappearance without a single word of explanation no less – hit Captain Levi hard. Maybe hardest of them all. That wasn’t to say he didn’t hide it well but in some moments, it was all too obvious. His frown was deeper, his expressions switching between angry and sad all the time. Jean even accidentally walked in on him punching a wall once.

That wasn’t something Levi did, usually. He wasn’t one for outwardly lashing out, and Jean... just walked right back the way he came, hoping the Captain didn’t see him. Pretended he didn’t se him punching a solid, stone wall. Pretended he didn’t see the pained expression on his face and pretended he didn’t hear the low, broken, barely audible growl of “Fuck you, Eren.”

The Captain might have been the one who was hit hardest but he wasn’t the only one suffering.

Armin might have had gone through a falling out with Eren, but they were still childhood friends who went through a damn lot together. Things might have been strained between them for a while now, but they still had that connection and Armin obviously felt bitter and betrayed.

And then...

Then there was Mikasa.

Mikasa, who was sitting directly opposite of Jean and listening carefully to what the Commander and Armin – and even Jelena with her few quips – had to say, her eyes not steering away at all.

She didn’t have her scarf.

Stopped wearing it all the time quite a while ago, only wrapping it around her neck when she was feeling vulnerable. She looked void of emotion, pure focus on her face and in her posture. But Jean knew. He knew it was a defence mechanism; to retreat back into herself and not show any emotions.

Jean knew she was hurting. Her bond with Eren had been strained for years, strained ever since Eren and Armin had their falling out that resulted in Mikasa awkwardly hanging between the two of them, refusing to take a side, and wishing for things to go back to the way they were. But she still cared deeply for her brother.

Cared deeper than anyone could probably ever imagine and the pain she was going through because of Eren was comparable, if a bit different, to Captain Levi’s.

Jean just wished he _knew what to say_. Knew what to do to take the pain away.

“....nd Jean will be the on-field commander during this operation.”

Jean jumped at the sound of his name, realizing he had zoned out during a meeting once again.

“Sorry?” he asked, not processing what was said.

Out of the corner of his eyes he could see Mikasa shooting him a look, although what the look meant was a mystery to the young man.

Hanji looked at him for a long moment, calculating, probably not sure if he was being dumb or just wasn’t paying attention. “I said,” she said with a grin that was nothing like those she used to throw around constantly only four years ago. It looked strained and cold, and Jean wished, not for the first time, that they could go back to the times before they found the truth. Before Shiganshina. “That you will be the acting commander during this operation.”

Oh.

Oh, fuck.

“Yes, sir,” Jean said, voice sure and unwavering. Even though his thoughts were anything but.

And that was it.

* * *

Leaving the meeting minutes later, Jean headed straight to the corner of the house he had claimed as his own. The building was small, nowhere near the size of the old castles the Survey Corps were used to, forcing them all to share space and rooms. But there was one place where barely anyone ever went.

The attic was dirty, mouldy, it was full of water when it rained thanks to the holes in the roof. It was a place unfit for storing things or living in, even unfit for lookouts since the sole window in there was too tiny and the endless ocean was the only thing visible from it. And so it was left empty, a situation Jean often took advantage of when he wanted some peace and quiet.

Like he did now.

Not that he didn’t appreciate the trust the Commander and the others had in him, he long since grew accustomed to the Squad Leader title and even he could honestly admit he was doing a damn good job at it. But still, being the acting commander was an entirely different story and Jean needed some time to adjust to it.

The sound of someone walking up the old, creaky steps brought a small smile to Jean’s face. There was only one other person to ever come up here, and coincidentally, it was the one person he didn’t mind sharing the place with.

Tearing his eyes away from the constantly moving water outside, he glanced over his shoulder to watch as Mikasa slipped inside before closing the door quietly behind herself. His soft smile widened a little when Mikasa eyes fell on him.

“Hey,” Jean whispered quietly. Somehow, looking at Mikasa still left him feeling a bit breathless. Even after literal _years_ had passed since their first kiss, since their first date, since their first night together. It had been years and yet, Jean was still as head over heels as he was then.

Mikasa smiled back, carefully walking over to him while expertly avoiding the places where the floorboards were broken – or threatening to break. Only when she stood right next to Jean where he was leaning onto the window sill, did she return a soft “Hey” of her own.

Finally, when he had enough of just taking in Mikasa’s beautiful face, Jean spoke up again, “What are you doing up here? Didn’t you have to talk with the Captain?”

Mikasa shook her head, leaning her back against the wall. “We finished already. There wasn’t much to talk about, our roles are pretty straightforward. Also, you’ve been here a while.”

Jean chuckled, the sound quiet and humourless. “I guess I have.”

They fell into comfortable silence for a moment, Jean returning his gaze back to the sea outside while Mikasa faced the other way, studying the wall on the other side of the attic.

“Are you worried about the mission?” Mikasa questioned softly after long minutes of their shared peace.

Jean snorted at that. “Who isn’t?” he asked back, resting his chin in his hand as he turned to the side to look at her.

Mikasa was already facing him then and their eyes locked. There was a small worried frown on her face as she opened her mouth to retort. “You know what I mean, Jean. Are you worried about being in charge?”

Jean was about to reply then, but paused. Deep down, was he really worried?

Mikasa watched in silence as the young man mulled over his answer, waiting for him to gather his thoughts.

It only too a minute for Jean to finally sigh, dropping his eyes a bit to now looking somewhere around Mikasa’s shoulder, a small, bitter smile on his lips. “Not really, I guess. I can do it. I know I can.”

Mikasa didn’t say anything, staying quiet, only listening intently to what Jean had to say.

Taking her lack of response for what it really was, a patient cue to take his time, he took a deep breath and continued, “It’s just a lot of responsibility and, well. I guess I still can’t believe you people have so much faith in me.”

Mikasa smiled then, reaching out to thread her fingers through Jean’s hair. “You said it yourself, Jean. You can do it. And we all know you can.”

Jean closed his eyes momentarily, leaning into her light touch and enjoying every second of it. He opened them again only when her hand dropped from his hair to stroke at his cheek and Jean peered at her, searching her expression. She looked... warm in that moment. Like she took her life energy from touching him intimately like this and Jean felt his heartbeat quicken. She was beautiful.

So beautiful and strong and amazing.

Pushing himself away from the window to face her properly, Jean took a step closer to where she was standing. He was so much taller than her now. Standing so close to each other only drove that fact home and Jean couldn’t say he was complaining. Grabbing her free hand, and lacing their fingers together, Jean looked down at her, gazing deep into those impossibly dark eyes that used to seem so distant, like they didn’t even see him years ago when they were still in training. Now they felt like home and he could stare into them for days and never get tired of it.

Mikasa squeezed his hand right back, her other hand falling from his cheek to bury itself in the hair on the nape of Jean’s neck. Her expression turned into something determined and sure then, her eyes flickering a bit before she took a small breath to speak up again. Her words were a barely audible, only coming out in a soft murmur, but there was confidence and certainty in them. “I’m really proud of you, Jean.”

Jean blinked a few times, obviously taken aback. As he slowly processed her words, he felt heat rushing to his face as a small laugh bubbled out of his chest.

Mikasa cocked her head to the side, confusion over his reaction evident, but Jean only shook his head and leaned down to kiss her softly on the lips, his free arm wrapping around her waist as Mikasa’s other hand twisted in his hair, both of them pulling the other even closer.

Mikasa really was incredible, Jean thought.

She would always be incredible and it would probably never cease to amaze Jean.

She was incredible and fuck, Jean loved her more than anything.

Their fingers were still intertwined when they came back down for dinner twenty minutes later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 3 coming... _soon._ ~~Hopefully.~~


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is post chapter 105 angst. It's sad and there are heavy spoilers. Be warned.

The atmosphere in the airship’s inner room was tense. The silence was heavy, even though the motors were incredibly loud and making Mikasa’s head hurt. Officially, they were just waiting for Commander Hanji to emerge from the cockpit to have a quick run-down of their situation right now, but in reality, none of them knew what to say after Eren was sat down and shackled to the wall.

It hurt Mikasa seeing him like that. Seeing her brother so empty, so uncaring. Like he had gone somewhere far away and left behind only a shell of himself for his friends, a shell that didn’t care about anything but it’s purpose. Actually, ever since they have entered that goddamned basement all those years ago, it was like she was watching Eren slowly die. She hated it and hated that she couldn’t help him. None of them could, no matter how much they tried.

And now all of them suffered the results of their failure; this whole mess. Countless civilian victims of Eren’s rage, even  _ children _ , a now-unavoidable war with the whole, wide world, and the Beast titan on board of their airship.

The Beast titan who was apparently also Eren’s older half-brother. Mikasa still couldn’t really wrap her head around that. What kind of twisted fate was it that both Grisha Jaeger’s sons ended up as titan shifters? Or maybe it was precisely  _ because _ they were Grisha’s sons. Still, she didn’t trust the Beast. He might have left his followers for them and come up with this grand scheme but in Mikasa’s book, he was still the enemy.

He was still the enemy in all of their books except Eren’s, it seemed. Captain Levi had been glaring at Zeke Jaeger, who was still slowly recovering from being not-so-carefully cut out of his titan body, ever since Mikasa came up there with Eren.

The girl couldn’t even blame Levi for kicking Eren like he did. After what happened, it was more than deserved and Mikasa knew it even though she still felt protective of Eren. However, he did break their trust, destroyed their plans, killed people... and hurt them all beyond measure.

He hurt Armin, years ago when they had that fight, and even before then when they reached the ocean for the first time. He had hurt Hanji by not trusting her enough. He had hurt Jean and Connie and Sasha and Historia by running of, by refusing to talk and share his burdens.

He had hurt Mikasa herself. Incredibly so, by his every action and every blank look these past four years.

And he had hurt Levi. Mikasa didn’t know what their relationship had developed into, but Levi was obviously hurting by the change Eren had gone through just as much as the rest of them. Just as much as Mikasa.

Finally, a commotion from the cargo room that was louder than before broke the tense silence hanging between the six of them in the room, making the Captain question what was going on and starting a first awkward conversation. Just after the man made Jelena take off her fake beard, the door behind them opened revealing Jean with two young, bloodied kids. A girl and a boy, no older than 15. The girl was struggling against Jean’s hold while the boy only followed Jean’s lead. The young man’s face was serious, something Mikasa couldn’t place behind the clenched jaw and deep frown.

The occupants of the room stared at the newcomers in shock. How did anyone other than the Survey Corps manage to board the airship?

Then the beast spoke, addressing the kids as if he knew them, making the two look just as shocked as the rest of them were. The boy spoke first, incoherent questions leaving his lips, before the girl interrupted him, shouting questions, assuming they had  _ kidnapped _ the Beast. Mikasa internally snorted. Oh how innocent and naive they were.

His scowl deepening, Levi turned to Jean, asking for explanation.

And Jean delivered, immediately making them all wish no one asked. “They killed Lobov and used his gear to get on board. And this one,” he nodded in the girl’s direction, “shot Sasha. And it looks like she might not make it.”

_ What? _

Blood froze in Mikasa’s veins, her eyes going wide. Sasha?  _ Shot? _

Lies.

It was all lies.

Not looking back, she ran out with Armin in tow, heading straight to where Connie and two others were kneeling on the floor, moving frantically. Mikasa dropped to her knees next to them, taking in all the blood, the pale face, the empty eyes...

She screamed Sasha’s name, screamed at her to get it together, that she can’t just go like this, not when they were finally heading home, when there was a feast to be had. She screamed, wordlessly, shaking Sasha, trying to get her to look at her and smile and laugh and tell them it was all a silly prank they pulled with Connie.

Tears were streaming down her face but Mikasa paid no mind. She didn’t care her voice was getting hoarse either.

She just wanted Sasha to wake up, please please just let her wake up.

“..I’m sorry,” the old garrison soldier pressing bandages to Sasha’s side whispered, pity and pain dripping from his words.

“No!” Mikasa screamed again, her voice breaking as she shook Sasha harder. “No no no, it can’t be!”

A hand landed on her shoulder, making her jump. She stared wide eyed at Connie, who was looking right back at her, his expression a distorted neutral. It looked wrong. So so wrong and pained and  _ broken _ even without the tears pouring down his face.

“She’s gone, Mikasa.”

And that was it.

* * *

Mikasa didn’t,  _ couldn’t _ stay in the same room Sasha was in. And she couldn’t go back to the small meeting with Commander Hanji and Zeke Jaeger either. Eren was there and she couldn’t even think of looking at him right now.

This wasn’t how this was supposed to end. They were supposed to pick up Eren and Zeke and retreat, keeping casualties to minimum on both the enemy side and their own. They were supposed to return home together, all of them, after a successful mission. Even if they would be angry at Eren and detaining him, even if they killed a few enemy soldiers, it would still be a victory and a success.

Mikasa knew they had won. She knew civilian victims were unavoidable. She knew deaths on their side were probably unavoidable, as well. But this...

This shouldn’t have happened.

This wasn’t a victory. This wasn’t anything. It was just empty. It was pain. It was  _ wrong _ .

In that moment, for the first time in her life, she hated Eren.

It was his fault.

Yet she couldn’t hate him completely. On a rational level, she knew it was not his fault. He wasn’t the one to pull the trigger. There was no guarantee that if they had waited for Hanji’s plan, things would have gone any better. Sasha might have still died. Connie might have died. Or herself or Eren or Armin or Jean.

Or all of them.

But it didn’t matter. Eren didn’t give them a choice and this was their reality now.

There was a soft knock on the door but Mikasa didn’t answer, only curled up into herself more, clutching at the pillow she was hugging to her chest.

Regardless of her silence, the door opened slowly after a moment and Jean walked inside. Mikasa didn’t look at him, just continued staring straight ahead blankly while Jean walked over and sat on the bed next to her, close enough for her to feel his presence but not close enough to touch.

The silence of the room prevailed for a while, heavy with the truth of the night, but not uncomfortable, until Jean spoke up. His voice was quiet, a bit hoarse and tired. “I thought you’d be here.”

The corner of Mikasa’s mouth twitched in a bitter and humourless smile. It should have been a surprise that she was in Jean and Connie’s room and not her own but... “Where else would I be? In my room, where she should be with me?”

Jean flinched at the broken words, regretting he said anything. “I’m sorry. You’re more than welcome to stay here with me.”

Mikasa shook her head. “Don’t apologize,” she whispered, face burying deeper into the pillow as she still refused to look at him. “You’re in pain, too.”

Jean didn’t have anything to say to that. So he only moved closer to her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders to pull her towards him, and Mikasa let him, falling gently to rest against his side. It was only a moment later when a small sob escaped her, making Jean’s hold tighten. She let go of Jean’s pillow then, turning around to bury her face in the crook of his neck instead.

And Jean could only hold her close, kissing and stroking her hair and back, murmuring words of comfort that would probably mean nothing to Mikasa. They wouldn’t mean anything to him, there was nothing anyone could say to make things better. To bring Sasha back.

Nothing.

But Mikasa was grateful. She was grateful Jean was there for her, willing to be the support she desperately needed even though he was obviously no better off than her.

She wanted to tell him it was okay to cry too, but she knew Jean was holding back for her, keeping himself together for as long as she needed, and she swore to herself to be the same kind of solid presence for him once he breaks.

But for now, she could only be thankful for how strong Jean was. How thoughtful and supportive and loving.

How incredible.

Jean was incredible in her eyes.

When she looked at him now, at his tall figure and stupid, grown out hair, she couldn’t help but laugh at how much he had changed since their trainee days. He had grown, grown more than any of them. He was the Squad Leader and acting Commander they needed and she was proud of him for what he had become, loved him for always putting others before himself. For putting  _ her  _ before himself.

He was the man she needed, now and always.

Stupid hair and soft ‘I love you’s and all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't kill me. ~~I cried too.~~


End file.
